One never knows what will be a trigger of grief. They come at unexpected moments. Everyone thinks you should be over it by now. They have been over it for some time.
But your not.
So you grieve in the shadows. You try not to get caught. Takes way to much energy to explain.
So then comes a hurricane.
I have experienced a lot of hurricanes since 1979. I went back and made a list of the other day. It hit me that every hurricane I have gone through in South Florida, Terry was always with me. There was always our "hurricane talk".
Sometimes, especially in the early years we were very afraid. One time we were on vacation in Orlando, listening to R.C. Sproul tapes on "Holiness" when the hurricane threat appeared and Terry was worried about our apartment. So we left and headed south.
Tens of thousands of cars headed north fleeing the hurricane and we had an open highway with not one other car heading south. We smiled at each other. Maybe they know something we don't. It was one of those "nothing" hurricanes but it always made us laugh thinking about it.
It was like a hurricane dance. How should we prepare? Should we prepare? What should we cancel? Then the little hurricane vacations like snow days up north. Quiet days together with little that could be done without power.
Nice days, talking days and relaxing days after the storm.
Those days are gone.
I miss those days.
I miss her.
Thursday, October 6, 2016
Saturday, August 20, 2016
Yesterday was better
The sadness of missing my love and wife has now become a part of my bones and soul. It is an emptiness always with me and sometimes crushing me. The Lord is my strength.
Experiences are old yet new. I went to do a summit this weekend and stayed overnight in a hotel. Before my marriage to Terry I rarely stayed in a hotel. But as a married couple, we had stayed in hotels rooms hundreds of times.
Those times had been romantic times, traveling times, family times, and business times. Rarely, only a handful had I ever gone on a trip without my Terry.
The room was a great room, the hotel a great hotel, and it was all paid for by those who asked me to speak. But it was empty. Empty of her smile, of her presence, and of our conversation. Empty so very empty.
Lord, help me adapt to this new reality without Terry. I know you have things for me to do. That is what keeps me going. But the emptiness without her is hard to deal with. I miss her. Very simple.
Terry was a great joy to my life and my true life companion. Life is just not as fun without her.
Lord, bring me your comfort. Amen
Experiences are old yet new. I went to do a summit this weekend and stayed overnight in a hotel. Before my marriage to Terry I rarely stayed in a hotel. But as a married couple, we had stayed in hotels rooms hundreds of times.
Those times had been romantic times, traveling times, family times, and business times. Rarely, only a handful had I ever gone on a trip without my Terry.
The room was a great room, the hotel a great hotel, and it was all paid for by those who asked me to speak. But it was empty. Empty of her smile, of her presence, and of our conversation. Empty so very empty.
Lord, help me adapt to this new reality without Terry. I know you have things for me to do. That is what keeps me going. But the emptiness without her is hard to deal with. I miss her. Very simple.
Terry was a great joy to my life and my true life companion. Life is just not as fun without her.
Lord, bring me your comfort. Amen
Friday, July 15, 2016
A prayer of grief
2 Chronicles 6:29
whatever prayer, whatever plea is made by any man or by all your people Israel, each knowing his own affliction and his own sorrow and stretching out his hands toward this house,
whatever prayer, whatever plea is made by any man or by all your people Israel, each knowing his own affliction and his own sorrow and stretching out his hands toward this house,
Psalm 31:10
For my life is spent with sorrow, and my years with sighing; my strength fails because of my iniquity, and my bones waste away.
For my life is spent with sorrow, and my years with sighing; my strength fails because of my iniquity, and my bones waste away.
Psalm 119:28
My soul melts away for sorrow; strengthen me according to your word!
My soul melts away for sorrow; strengthen me according to your word!
East of Eden is filled with sorrow. Lord, you know that our losses become so great and our sadness over what we have lost becomes more than we could imagine that we could bear. Good and loving Lord, you have told us we will have sorrow in this life. YOU have sorrow over all that is out of order in this world. Because you suffer from the brokenness and immorality of this world, you have told us that we will have sorrow here.
Without your strength Lord, I know I would be crushed. Things are wildly out of control. Losses accumulate and seem like waves crashing upon be, dragging me out from the shore and under the water. So many sorrows and struggles. So much lost.
I stretch out my hands towards YOU and remember me in your compassion and grace. Help me now to seek you today. Provide for me new hope. Help me now. Amen
Sunday, June 26, 2016
Napping alone
Sometimes it is just small things. Things like afternoon naps.
For about 40 years Terry and I napped together. Normally on a Sunday afternoon after church and ministry, we come home tired and just lay down together.
Sometimes on a Saturday
Sometimes on a day off
But we would just stop and lay down. Sleeping together in the middle of the day.
Companions of life.
Sharing rest.
Sharing dreams.
Quiet times.
Normal times
I miss my naps with my friend. Hard to nap alone.
For about 40 years Terry and I napped together. Normally on a Sunday afternoon after church and ministry, we come home tired and just lay down together.
Sometimes on a Saturday
Sometimes on a day off
But we would just stop and lay down. Sleeping together in the middle of the day.
Companions of life.
Sharing rest.
Sharing dreams.
Quiet times.
Normal times
I miss my naps with my friend. Hard to nap alone.
Friday, May 27, 2016
No............
No balloon
No card
No gift
No joy
No laughter
No hug
No T
No, no,no,no,no,no,no,
She would have been 63 today
No card
No gift
No joy
No laughter
No hug
No T
No, no,no,no,no,no,no,
She would have been 63 today
Thursday, May 26, 2016
Emptiness fills my heart
Emptiness fills my heart
Will it ever stop
The sounds of silence
The whole world changed
Yet not changed
Changing
Nothing steady
Can’t get my bearings
No control
So much is tragic
So much is sad
So much is lost
Emptiness fills my heart
Will it ever stop
The sounds of silence
The whole world changed
Yet not changed
Changing
Nothing steady
Can’t get my bearings
No control
So much is tragic
So much is sad
So much is lost
Emptiness fills my heart
Friday, May 13, 2016
Lord Help
(11) Be not far from me, for trouble is near;For there is none to help. ... (19) But You, O LORD, be not far off;O You, my help, hasten to my assistance. ... (24) For He has not despised nor abhorred the affliction of the afflicted;Nor has He hidden His face from him;But when he cried to Him for help, He heard. [Psa 22:11, 19, 24 NASB] (20) Our soul waits for the LORD;He is our help and our shield. [Psa 33:20 NASB]
Lord, I need you to help me now. Since 2013, I have felt under siege. At times more like not only a siege but a wild attack of struggle. There has been illness, loss, betrayals, and dreams that have died. My love has died. So many losses and such a complex life. I feel like I am drowning in complexity.
Be not far from me. Trouble is near me on every side. Complex and with multiple layers . There is none beside you to be of help. Come quickly now and hold me up. Do not despise my affliction. Have empathy for my sorrow, fear, and pain. Do not hide your face from me in my weakness. Hear me now as I beg for your help.
LORD, Messiah Jesus you are my help and shield. I will wait to see YOU deliver me from this time of struggle. Help me endure. Help me give you praise for you are my helper, friend, and Savior. You are my trust. Amen
Lord, I need you to help me now. Since 2013, I have felt under siege. At times more like not only a siege but a wild attack of struggle. There has been illness, loss, betrayals, and dreams that have died. My love has died. So many losses and such a complex life. I feel like I am drowning in complexity.
Be not far from me. Trouble is near me on every side. Complex and with multiple layers . There is none beside you to be of help. Come quickly now and hold me up. Do not despise my affliction. Have empathy for my sorrow, fear, and pain. Do not hide your face from me in my weakness. Hear me now as I beg for your help.
LORD, Messiah Jesus you are my help and shield. I will wait to see YOU deliver me from this time of struggle. Help me endure. Help me give you praise for you are my helper, friend, and Savior. You are my trust. Amen
Thursday, May 5, 2016
Simple insight
Came to a simple insight today. Went to get lunch and decided to eat at Subway. This was one of Terry's favorite places. The one near the church was the one we had gone to for the last couple of years when she was not in the hospital. At the hospital, I would go out to the local one and bring in her "Subway Melt" that she always had. Except on the days when they ran a special since that saved money. Most of the time I would just get her the "Subway Melt" anyway. What was a couple of bucks really? I would get the special so she could feel like we saved something. Anyway, we would get the sandwiches and just talk. That was lunch together most days. Simple, sane, stable, and safe.
What was my insight? Life was just a whole lot more fun with Terry. I miss the fun we had. Nothing like it. Nothing to replace it. Life was just a lot more fun before.
Like I said, nothing profound. Just so very simple and basic. No going back. Those days are done.
What was my insight? Life was just a whole lot more fun with Terry. I miss the fun we had. Nothing like it. Nothing to replace it. Life was just a lot more fun before.
Like I said, nothing profound. Just so very simple and basic. No going back. Those days are done.
Monday, May 2, 2016
Empty
Empty spaces
Empty sounds
Empty times
Empty
Did not recognize how full things were
Abused the times that had so much
Failed to focus on how precious they were
Now they are gone never to return in the way they were
Empty spaces
Empty sounds
Empty times
Empty
Empty sounds
Empty times
Empty
Did not recognize how full things were
Abused the times that had so much
Failed to focus on how precious they were
Now they are gone never to return in the way they were
Empty spaces
Empty sounds
Empty times
Empty
What to pray on hopeless days
Habakkuk 3:17-19
Habakkuk Rejoices in the Lord
17 Though the fig tree should not blossom,
nor fruit be on the vines,
the produce of the olive fail
and the fields yield no food,
the flock be cut off from the fold
and there be no herd in the stalls,
18 yet I will rejoice in the Lord;
I will take joy in the God of my salvation.
19 God, the Lord, is my strength;
he makes my feet like the deer's;
he makes me tread on my high places.
Lord, I wish that I was living in a time of abundant harvest, great fruitfulness, wild potentials, and free of problems. But that is not what you have ordained at this moment. I walk in the valley of the shadow of death. So many things have been lost and there is great danger that more losses will be coming . I am overwhelmed with the reality of life.
But YOU LORD, remain the same. Your love for me is greater than the circumstances and the fears. Your promise to work all things together for good remains. YOUR blood covenant with me made with YOUR own blood is my assurance you are fully committed to me. I can find pleasure and true happiness focused upon your goodness, greatness, and grace. YOU LORD JESUS, are my salvation! YOU give me strength for this day and call me to climb to the high places of your eternal purpose and plan for my life which is at a higher plane than my pain.
LORD, help me not lose sight of you in the middle of the struggle this day. Lord have mercy, Messiah Jesus have mercy, Lord have mercy. Amen
Habakkuk Rejoices in the Lord
17 Though the fig tree should not blossom,
nor fruit be on the vines,
the produce of the olive fail
and the fields yield no food,
the flock be cut off from the fold
and there be no herd in the stalls,
18 yet I will rejoice in the Lord;
I will take joy in the God of my salvation.
19 God, the Lord, is my strength;
he makes my feet like the deer's;
he makes me tread on my high places.
Lord, I wish that I was living in a time of abundant harvest, great fruitfulness, wild potentials, and free of problems. But that is not what you have ordained at this moment. I walk in the valley of the shadow of death. So many things have been lost and there is great danger that more losses will be coming . I am overwhelmed with the reality of life.
But YOU LORD, remain the same. Your love for me is greater than the circumstances and the fears. Your promise to work all things together for good remains. YOUR blood covenant with me made with YOUR own blood is my assurance you are fully committed to me. I can find pleasure and true happiness focused upon your goodness, greatness, and grace. YOU LORD JESUS, are my salvation! YOU give me strength for this day and call me to climb to the high places of your eternal purpose and plan for my life which is at a higher plane than my pain.
LORD, help me not lose sight of you in the middle of the struggle this day. Lord have mercy, Messiah Jesus have mercy, Lord have mercy. Amen
Thursday, April 28, 2016
Half the bed is empty now
Half the bed is empty now
No one to look at as they sleep
Half the bed is empty now
No one to greet
Half the bed is empty now
No smile to make my day complete
Half the bed is empty now
No one to tell about my day who understands the things I say
Half the bed is empty now
No one to hold me when I am down
Half the bed is empty now
So very lonely, so cold, so dark
Half the bed is empty now
No one to look at as they sleep
Half the bed is empty now
No one to greet
Half the bed is empty now
No smile to make my day complete
Half the bed is empty now
No one to tell about my day who understands the things I say
Half the bed is empty now
No one to hold me when I am down
Half the bed is empty now
So very lonely, so cold, so dark
Half the bed is empty now
Saturday, April 9, 2016
Dreams that have died
I had dreams
Simple dreams they seemed
Ignoring the ugly reality
Thinking that beauty could be easily born
To proud to see others had tried before
Only to eat ashes
So sure we would succeed where others failed
Thinking we were better and brighter
So foolish, so foolish
Even after the flames had burned to the ground all hope, like a Phoenix we gave birth to the dream again and again out of the ashes.
Never surrender, never surrender
You asked me, when do we give up and I say, who said we were giving up. Then I see that the time had come for you to let go. So slow, so slow.
Tears in your weary eyes. Only then do I see the cost of the dream to you. The price of the loss. The shattering reality. Sorry my friend I did not understand.
Can the dream be reborn? Nothing simple about it anymore. Oceans of blood, sweat, tears, and years.
Outside of my control. Only God knows.
Simple dreams they seemed
Ignoring the ugly reality
Thinking that beauty could be easily born
To proud to see others had tried before
Only to eat ashes
So sure we would succeed where others failed
Thinking we were better and brighter
So foolish, so foolish
Even after the flames had burned to the ground all hope, like a Phoenix we gave birth to the dream again and again out of the ashes.
Never surrender, never surrender
You asked me, when do we give up and I say, who said we were giving up. Then I see that the time had come for you to let go. So slow, so slow.
Tears in your weary eyes. Only then do I see the cost of the dream to you. The price of the loss. The shattering reality. Sorry my friend I did not understand.
Can the dream be reborn? Nothing simple about it anymore. Oceans of blood, sweat, tears, and years.
Outside of my control. Only God knows.
Tuesday, April 5, 2016
Lord, I am faint, have no strength, weary, and exhausted. Help!
Isaiah 40:29-31
29 He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might, he increases strength.
30 Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;
31 but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings as eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.
http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=chariots+of+fire+church+service&&view=detail&mid=8B814A435E8FE71227108B814A435E8FE7122710&FORM=VRDGAR
Lord, I feel faint today. Give me power. I have no might today, give me strength. At my best I could become weary and exhausted facing the struggles of this day. Help me to be renewed in energy and give to me an attitude of trusting you in the darkest of times even when I don't see any answers.
Lord, today lift me up and let me fly, let be run, and let me walk in your power. Allow me to sit in the heavens with YOU, Lord Jesus and live life based on the wonder of your victory on the cross and resurrection. Lord open my eyes to see and believe the gospel. Come now to me. Amen
29 He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might, he increases strength.
30 Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;
31 but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings as eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.
http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=chariots+of+fire+church+service&&view=detail&mid=8B814A435E8FE71227108B814A435E8FE7122710&FORM=VRDGAR
Lord, I feel faint today. Give me power. I have no might today, give me strength. At my best I could become weary and exhausted facing the struggles of this day. Help me to be renewed in energy and give to me an attitude of trusting you in the darkest of times even when I don't see any answers.
Lord, today lift me up and let me fly, let be run, and let me walk in your power. Allow me to sit in the heavens with YOU, Lord Jesus and live life based on the wonder of your victory on the cross and resurrection. Lord open my eyes to see and believe the gospel. Come now to me. Amen
Monday, April 4, 2016
Help me not lose heart in my grief
James 1:12-14
12 Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him. 13 Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am being tempted by God,” for God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one. 14 But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire.
Lord, help me remain steadfast, unmoveable, stable, in my faith, hope, and love for you when things have gotten insane, painful, frustrating, and scary. Help me to face my losses and even my failures as part of the process of growing in grace. Good LORD, you never tempt me to lose faith, hope, or love.
My loss of these is due to my own desire to trust in sin more than I trust in YOU during the hard times. It is the wrong unbelieving and self-centered desires within me that lead me into becoming unstable in my love for you.
Holy Spirit, come now and sing the gospel of love and grace into my heart that I might be filled with love.
Forgive me when I have not been stable. Increase my faith and be glorified in my life. Amen
-------------------------
2 Corinthians 4:16-18
16 So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. 17 For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, 18 as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. (ESV)
Lord, let me not lose heart. Day by day things I love are wasting away. It is not easy to see this happen. Some of these seem to have eternal weight. So the line between transient and eternal seems less clear to me.
LORD, from your perspective the struggles we have are a light momentary affliction. Help me to see them from that perspective. They seem to me to perhaps a heavy momentary loss. In some cases, I fear they will be a heavy forever loss. Help me cope with this fear.
Open my eyes to see the eternal weight of wonder, awe, and fulfillment to be found in seeing YOU, knowing YOU, and experiencing YOU incompleteness. May I value that union and communion more than anything else in my life.
Good Shepherd, come now and help me this day. Remember that I am but dust and so very frail. Lead me through this time of travail. For your glory, my good and the good of all those my life touches. Lord have mercy. Help me today.
12 Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him. 13 Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am being tempted by God,” for God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one. 14 But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire.
Lord, help me remain steadfast, unmoveable, stable, in my faith, hope, and love for you when things have gotten insane, painful, frustrating, and scary. Help me to face my losses and even my failures as part of the process of growing in grace. Good LORD, you never tempt me to lose faith, hope, or love.
My loss of these is due to my own desire to trust in sin more than I trust in YOU during the hard times. It is the wrong unbelieving and self-centered desires within me that lead me into becoming unstable in my love for you.
Holy Spirit, come now and sing the gospel of love and grace into my heart that I might be filled with love.
Forgive me when I have not been stable. Increase my faith and be glorified in my life. Amen
-------------------------
2 Corinthians 4:16-18
16 So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. 17 For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, 18 as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. (ESV)
Lord, let me not lose heart. Day by day things I love are wasting away. It is not easy to see this happen. Some of these seem to have eternal weight. So the line between transient and eternal seems less clear to me.
LORD, from your perspective the struggles we have are a light momentary affliction. Help me to see them from that perspective. They seem to me to perhaps a heavy momentary loss. In some cases, I fear they will be a heavy forever loss. Help me cope with this fear.
Open my eyes to see the eternal weight of wonder, awe, and fulfillment to be found in seeing YOU, knowing YOU, and experiencing YOU incompleteness. May I value that union and communion more than anything else in my life.
Good Shepherd, come now and help me this day. Remember that I am but dust and so very frail. Lead me through this time of travail. For your glory, my good and the good of all those my life touches. Lord have mercy. Help me today.
Sunday, April 3, 2016
Fear, faith, and grace
Jeremiah 10:23
23 I know, O Lord, that the way of man is not in himself,
that it is not in man who walks to direct his steps.
LORD, master, you who have all power, help me see that my way and my walk is not in my control ultimately but in yours. Help me not trust in luck or chance since they are illusions. Creations of my mind to make sense of things insensible. Help me see that YOU LORD alone guides me through this day and this life. Amen
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Isaiah 43:1-3
43:1 But now thus says the Lord,
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are mine.
2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.
3 For I am the Lord your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
I give Egypt as your ransom,
Cush and Seba in exchange for you.
Lord, I fear a lot. I fear what may happen and what has happened What has happened fuels my fear for what may happen.
Take my fear from me. Let me see you have redeemed me at the cost of your suffering hellfire for me on the cross. Help me more deeply understand what this means. You have created me and recreated me, formed me and reformed me. I am a part of your new creation.
Good Shepherd, you have called me by name to be part of your life, family, and kingdom. YOU have chosen me to be your friend.
When I feel I will drown in the pain, struggle, and defeat and be swept away into despair; YOU are with me and get me through all the things that seem that will overwhelm me. YOUR presence is my hope. Even when everything I value is burned to the ground, you are there to get me unconsumed through the flames. Nothing can separate me from your love.
LORD GOD of Israel, YOU are my SAVIOR.
-----------------------------------------------------
Psalm 23:4
4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me. (ESV)
Good Shepherd, remember that I am just dust and so very frail, come now and lead me through this time of travail. Lord help us.
Help me not to fear the evil because YOU, Good Shepherd are with me.
LORD, have mercy. Amen
23 I know, O Lord, that the way of man is not in himself,
that it is not in man who walks to direct his steps.
LORD, master, you who have all power, help me see that my way and my walk is not in my control ultimately but in yours. Help me not trust in luck or chance since they are illusions. Creations of my mind to make sense of things insensible. Help me see that YOU LORD alone guides me through this day and this life. Amen
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Isaiah 43:1-3
43:1 But now thus says the Lord,
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are mine.
2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.
3 For I am the Lord your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
I give Egypt as your ransom,
Cush and Seba in exchange for you.
Lord, I fear a lot. I fear what may happen and what has happened What has happened fuels my fear for what may happen.
Take my fear from me. Let me see you have redeemed me at the cost of your suffering hellfire for me on the cross. Help me more deeply understand what this means. You have created me and recreated me, formed me and reformed me. I am a part of your new creation.
Good Shepherd, you have called me by name to be part of your life, family, and kingdom. YOU have chosen me to be your friend.
When I feel I will drown in the pain, struggle, and defeat and be swept away into despair; YOU are with me and get me through all the things that seem that will overwhelm me. YOUR presence is my hope. Even when everything I value is burned to the ground, you are there to get me unconsumed through the flames. Nothing can separate me from your love.
LORD GOD of Israel, YOU are my SAVIOR.
-----------------------------------------------------
Psalm 23:4
4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me. (ESV)
Good Shepherd, remember that I am just dust and so very frail, come now and lead me through this time of travail. Lord help us.
Help me not to fear the evil because YOU, Good Shepherd are with me.
LORD, have mercy. Amen
Saturday, April 2, 2016
Difficult promises
James 1:2-4
2 Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, 3 for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. 4 And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
Lord, help me more deeply believe that the struggles, pain, and losses of my life and the lives of my loved ones is actually going to produce a deep profound change in character and godliness. Only if I can see this end result, could I have joy in the painful process. Like pregnancy, these times of struggle can only make sense in light of a baby. Let me see the "baby" of greater character, competence, and compassion that is to come from all of these struggles. Give me more faith Lord, for this is many times hard to accept or believe.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
James 5:7-12
7 Be patient, therefore, brothers, until the coming of the Lord. See how the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth, being patient about it, until it receives the early and the late rains. 8 You also, be patient. Establish your hearts, for the coming of the Lord is at hand. 9 Do not grumble against one another, brothers, so that you may not be judged; behold, the Judge is standing at the door. 10 As an example of suffering and patience, brothers, take the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord. 11 Behold, we consider those blessed who remained steadfast. You have heard of the steadfastness of Job, and you have seen the purpose of the Lord, how the Lord is compassionate and merciful.
12 But above all, my brothers, do not swear, either by heaven or by earth or by any other oath, but let your “yes” be yes and your “no” be no, so that you may not fall under condemnation.
Lord, give me a waiting and patient heart as I look to see the good harvest that will come, either on your return or in revival. Either way you will come. Keep me from bitterness, judgement, self-righteousness, and complaining.
Help me remember the prophets and Job. No one had easy lives. Unbelievably hard lives they had. Yet, while having real and dynamic relationships with you, they all remained in a relationship with YOU since YOU alone have the answers to life.
The hard times do not take away the reality that YOU, LORD, are compassionate and merciful. We deserve hell fire. So having hard lives or hard times is nothing compared to what we deserve. YOU LORD, also know that some greater good will be lost, unless this suffering is permitted. The cost of the greater good is high but necessary. YOU, cry with us in our struggles.
Keep me from foolish words and radical actions during painful, sad, and horrible moments in my life. Let me now try to use vows, promises, and wild divine bargains to move you to take away the pain. Let me see that I cannot bribe YOU. Help me remain sane in my pain.
Thank you, LORD, for your faithfulness during difficult times even when I am unfaithful, for you cannot deny yourself. Help me walk before you in steadfast, steady, sane, and serious faith in your character, competence, and compassion.
Lord, have mercy and increase such faith in me. Amen
2 Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, 3 for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. 4 And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
Lord, help me more deeply believe that the struggles, pain, and losses of my life and the lives of my loved ones is actually going to produce a deep profound change in character and godliness. Only if I can see this end result, could I have joy in the painful process. Like pregnancy, these times of struggle can only make sense in light of a baby. Let me see the "baby" of greater character, competence, and compassion that is to come from all of these struggles. Give me more faith Lord, for this is many times hard to accept or believe.
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James 5:7-12
7 Be patient, therefore, brothers, until the coming of the Lord. See how the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth, being patient about it, until it receives the early and the late rains. 8 You also, be patient. Establish your hearts, for the coming of the Lord is at hand. 9 Do not grumble against one another, brothers, so that you may not be judged; behold, the Judge is standing at the door. 10 As an example of suffering and patience, brothers, take the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord. 11 Behold, we consider those blessed who remained steadfast. You have heard of the steadfastness of Job, and you have seen the purpose of the Lord, how the Lord is compassionate and merciful.
12 But above all, my brothers, do not swear, either by heaven or by earth or by any other oath, but let your “yes” be yes and your “no” be no, so that you may not fall under condemnation.
Lord, give me a waiting and patient heart as I look to see the good harvest that will come, either on your return or in revival. Either way you will come. Keep me from bitterness, judgement, self-righteousness, and complaining.
Help me remember the prophets and Job. No one had easy lives. Unbelievably hard lives they had. Yet, while having real and dynamic relationships with you, they all remained in a relationship with YOU since YOU alone have the answers to life.
The hard times do not take away the reality that YOU, LORD, are compassionate and merciful. We deserve hell fire. So having hard lives or hard times is nothing compared to what we deserve. YOU LORD, also know that some greater good will be lost, unless this suffering is permitted. The cost of the greater good is high but necessary. YOU, cry with us in our struggles.
Keep me from foolish words and radical actions during painful, sad, and horrible moments in my life. Let me now try to use vows, promises, and wild divine bargains to move you to take away the pain. Let me see that I cannot bribe YOU. Help me remain sane in my pain.
Thank you, LORD, for your faithfulness during difficult times even when I am unfaithful, for you cannot deny yourself. Help me walk before you in steadfast, steady, sane, and serious faith in your character, competence, and compassion.
Lord, have mercy and increase such faith in me. Amen
Friday, April 1, 2016
How can my grief ever have joy?
1 Peter 1:6-7
6 In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, 7 so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.
Lord, here in the words of brother Peter I see my reality. Or what I think should be my reality. I am grieved by various painful losses and events. My world, the one I knew and lived in has been lost. How then can I rejoice since I grieve? Because my faith is being made into a purer and better quality. It is becoming purified gold. This faith will at the second coming and resurrection bring to the Messiah Jesus praise, glory, and honor. The LORD Jesus will be held high by the faith that the Spirit has created through these disasters of these days. Joy and grief; grief and joy are married.
Job 23:9-11
9 on the left hand when he is working, I do not behold him;
he turns to the right hand, but I do not see him.
10 But he knows the way that I take;
when he has tried me, I shall come out as gold.
11 My foot has held fast to his steps;
I have kept his way and have not turned aside. (ESV)
Lord, during the times of struggle, loss, and darkness, like brother Job, it is hard for us to see YOU. We look to the left and we look to the right and we do not understand or comprehend what you are doing. To the left is a scorched earth where once there was a fruitful field and to the right a graveyard where once our home stood. No sign of YOU or of your compassion, care, or concern that we can see.
Help me to know that you know my way. Help me see that you are purifying my inner trust. Making pure my relationship with you of idols and selfishness. Hold my lifestyle faithful to you. Let me follow you more nearly. Let me not turn aside from your ways.
Teach me to trust you in the dark. Lord have mercy now today. Amen
6 In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, 7 so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.
Lord, here in the words of brother Peter I see my reality. Or what I think should be my reality. I am grieved by various painful losses and events. My world, the one I knew and lived in has been lost. How then can I rejoice since I grieve? Because my faith is being made into a purer and better quality. It is becoming purified gold. This faith will at the second coming and resurrection bring to the Messiah Jesus praise, glory, and honor. The LORD Jesus will be held high by the faith that the Spirit has created through these disasters of these days. Joy and grief; grief and joy are married.
Job 23:9-11
9 on the left hand when he is working, I do not behold him;
he turns to the right hand, but I do not see him.
10 But he knows the way that I take;
when he has tried me, I shall come out as gold.
11 My foot has held fast to his steps;
I have kept his way and have not turned aside. (ESV)
Lord, during the times of struggle, loss, and darkness, like brother Job, it is hard for us to see YOU. We look to the left and we look to the right and we do not understand or comprehend what you are doing. To the left is a scorched earth where once there was a fruitful field and to the right a graveyard where once our home stood. No sign of YOU or of your compassion, care, or concern that we can see.
Help me to know that you know my way. Help me see that you are purifying my inner trust. Making pure my relationship with you of idols and selfishness. Hold my lifestyle faithful to you. Let me follow you more nearly. Let me not turn aside from your ways.
Teach me to trust you in the dark. Lord have mercy now today. Amen
Thursday, March 31, 2016
Biblical meditation on suffering times.
1 Peter 4:12-13
12 Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange was happening to you. 13 But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed.
Lord, I should not have been surprised but I was surprised. With all my acceptance of "East of Eden", I thought I was prepared for anything. But then that which I was not prepared for happened. It did seem strange and unreal to me. It does seem strange and unreal with me. Help me see it as a test me and mature me.
Let me see that my suffering reflects and is similar to the suffering of Messiah Jesus as he lived East of Eden. Help me rejoice that there is a gain in my pain even as there was salvation in the suffering of Messiah Jesus. Let me connect this process with the joy that will come when all the impact of our rebellion will have been redeemed and restored.
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Romans 8:18-23
18 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. 19 For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God.
20 For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope 21 that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. 22 For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now.
23 And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies.
Lord, let me have a greater vision of the glory of the kingdom so that I can see that this suffering great as it is, cannot be compared to the goodness and grandeur of that paradise on earth.
Lord, bring your kingdom to earth today. Let the pregnancy of creation and the expectation of our redemption be fulfilled in total completeness and bring the final day to us today. Free us from the curse and rebellion. Set our souls straight in righteousness. Come quickly Lord Jesus!
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John 16:33
33 I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world, you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” (ESV)
Lord, in this world of rebellion, East of Eden we have tribulation, struggle, pain, and grief. Bring to me your words of promise and let me remember that in your suffering and resurrection you have defeated the rebellion and ended the power of the curse. Lord help me now see this truth in the middle of deep tribulation. Lord have mercy. Amen
12 Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange was happening to you. 13 But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed.
Lord, I should not have been surprised but I was surprised. With all my acceptance of "East of Eden", I thought I was prepared for anything. But then that which I was not prepared for happened. It did seem strange and unreal to me. It does seem strange and unreal with me. Help me see it as a test me and mature me.
Let me see that my suffering reflects and is similar to the suffering of Messiah Jesus as he lived East of Eden. Help me rejoice that there is a gain in my pain even as there was salvation in the suffering of Messiah Jesus. Let me connect this process with the joy that will come when all the impact of our rebellion will have been redeemed and restored.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Romans 8:18-23
18 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. 19 For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God.
20 For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope 21 that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. 22 For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now.
23 And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies.
Lord, let me have a greater vision of the glory of the kingdom so that I can see that this suffering great as it is, cannot be compared to the goodness and grandeur of that paradise on earth.
Lord, bring your kingdom to earth today. Let the pregnancy of creation and the expectation of our redemption be fulfilled in total completeness and bring the final day to us today. Free us from the curse and rebellion. Set our souls straight in righteousness. Come quickly Lord Jesus!
-------------------------------------
John 16:33
33 I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world, you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” (ESV)
Lord, in this world of rebellion, East of Eden we have tribulation, struggle, pain, and grief. Bring to me your words of promise and let me remember that in your suffering and resurrection you have defeated the rebellion and ended the power of the curse. Lord help me now see this truth in the middle of deep tribulation. Lord have mercy. Amen
Sunday, March 6, 2016
Simpler Times
Where have the simple times gone?
I did not treasure them when they were here.
I focused on the small imperfections and grumbled about
small things.
I did not know how fragile they were?
In my pride, I thought that I had made them and could save
them.
Keep them forever alive.
Now they are gone.
Treasures lost
Existing now only in my mind
Simpler times, where have you gone?
Saturday, March 5, 2016
Missing my world
I remember, the world I once lived in.
It was a better world than I now inhabit.
No way to return
Just memories now
Shades of what once was in the light of this new place
Tears drown my soul
Missing my lost world
Out of the flood, a new world is born.
Lost and Found
Some people have lost
What others give away
Strange how one person treasures
What another distains
One person lives by honor and loses it all
One person betrays and gains it all
One life and so many worlds
Changes keep coming as we whirl
What some people give away
Others would give their soul to gain
Monday, February 15, 2016
Happy Valentine's Day?
Never noticed how many people wish me a Happy Valentine's Day. Maybe due to it being on Sunday this year, I was around people on that day. It was just strange.
I, of course, wished them a happy Valentine's day back. Some people even gave me candy and cards like Christmas.
But it was not a happy Valentine's day at all. It was a sad day. A day that for 37 years I had bought cards and given balloons to my beloved. A day we celebrated our love. I was always the romantic in the relationship. It meant more to me than to her. But it was a day I looked forward to every year.
Now it will be a year I dread each year. For it reminds me of that empty space in my life. A space that will never be filled again in my temporal life. A space forever void in this life. An emptiness of emptiness.
So no, it was and will be a sad Valentine's day. One of sweet memories and desires to remember more. If I had only kept better records of the days. I took them for granted like they would always be here. But, I denied death's coming and took for granted treasures of days that would one day past.
Lord, comfort my broken heart. Grant me good memories of Valintine's Day past. Hold me close Lord and help me to find refuge in your love this day. Amen
I, of course, wished them a happy Valentine's day back. Some people even gave me candy and cards like Christmas.
But it was not a happy Valentine's day at all. It was a sad day. A day that for 37 years I had bought cards and given balloons to my beloved. A day we celebrated our love. I was always the romantic in the relationship. It meant more to me than to her. But it was a day I looked forward to every year.
Now it will be a year I dread each year. For it reminds me of that empty space in my life. A space that will never be filled again in my temporal life. A space forever void in this life. An emptiness of emptiness.
So no, it was and will be a sad Valentine's day. One of sweet memories and desires to remember more. If I had only kept better records of the days. I took them for granted like they would always be here. But, I denied death's coming and took for granted treasures of days that would one day past.
Lord, comfort my broken heart. Grant me good memories of Valintine's Day past. Hold me close Lord and help me to find refuge in your love this day. Amen
Am I OK?
Am I OK? By the grace
of God, I take it day by day. The best
way to describe it is that I have been being transported to a new world. There are continuity and discontinuity from
the old world but really my world has changed.
For a number of
reasons with Terry no longer being with me, many other things changed as
well. So now I live in a new world. I miss my old world but there is no going
back to it. So I am OK.
I am in this new
world by God's design. The LORD has
moved me to this new world. Like Daniel
in Babylon I now serve in a new place and in a new way. But everything is different than when I
served in Jerusalem. But it is OK.
Saturday, February 13, 2016
The Veteran is alone
"The Veteran is alone now
His companion pass away
The two of them the battles fought
Always the two of them
One wounded the other healer would be. Together they pressed on.
But now the Veteran is alone
Bleeding from the heart
With no companion by his side
And many battles yet to fight
The Veteran is alone.
Dr. Norman Wise
His companion pass away
The two of them the battles fought
Always the two of them
One wounded the other healer would be. Together they pressed on.
But now the Veteran is alone
Bleeding from the heart
With no companion by his side
And many battles yet to fight
The Veteran is alone.
Dr. Norman Wise
For a season, there must be pain
For a season there must be pain--
For a little, little space
I shall lose the sight of her face,
Take back the old life again
While She is at rest in her place.
For a season this pain must endure,
For a little, little while
I shall sigh more often than smile
Till time shall work me a cure,
And the pitiful days beguile.
For that season we must be apart,
For a little length of years,
Till my life's last hour nears,
And, above the beat of my heart,
I hear Her voice in my ears.
But I shall not understand--
Being set on some later love,
Shall not know her for whom I strove,
Till she reach me forth her hand,
Saying, "Who but I have the right?"
And out of a troubled night
Shall draw me safe to the land.
For a little, little space
I shall lose the sight of her face,
Take back the old life again
While She is at rest in her place.
For a season this pain must endure,
For a little, little while
I shall sigh more often than smile
Till time shall work me a cure,
And the pitiful days beguile.
For that season we must be apart,
For a little length of years,
Till my life's last hour nears,
And, above the beat of my heart,
I hear Her voice in my ears.
But I shall not understand--
Being set on some later love,
Shall not know her for whom I strove,
Till she reach me forth her hand,
Saying, "Who but I have the right?"
And out of a troubled night
Shall draw me safe to the land.
Friday, February 12, 2016
Musings on Psalm 88
Musings on Psalm 88
Living and great LORD, the ultimate supreme power that can
save me out of futility and death, hear my cries. All mighty and wise ONE, have mercy for the
sake of the Messiah Jesus on me and hear the cries of my heart.
My soul faces many struggles, losses, and is in the dark
about many things. I feel that I have no strength in my soul. YOU have ordained
this chapter in my life that is dark and deep with sorrow. The weight of my
life is crushing me. My heart is heavy
with grief. The pounding waves of change are overwhelming.
I seek you day by day. Not as much as I should. Not as
intently as I should. Forgive me for not having greater focus and faith that
would lead me to you. My eyes are filled with sadness because of the sorrow of
my soul. I lift my hands to you and need you to fill me with your peace.
Do not hide your face from me. Let me see your face. Help me
to see that you are not casting away your love for me but that nothing in
creation can separate me from your strong committed love. Lord, I am helpless
and have many fears.
My beloved and my friend is no longer by my side. You have
called her home. YOU are my refuge and comforter. In you, I will trust. In you,
I will find my rest and restoration.
Come now and help me this day to know how to follow YOU.
Increase my love for YOU, LORD. Open my eyes to see YOU, LORD, as you are and
allow me to encounter you in many ways in my life. Amen
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