Thursday, October 6, 2016

Memories of hurricanes

One never knows what will be a trigger of grief.   They come at unexpected moments.  Everyone thinks you should be over it by now.  They have been over it for some time.  

But your not.

So you grieve in the shadows.  You try not to get caught.  Takes way to much energy to explain.

So then comes a hurricane.

I have experienced a lot of hurricanes since 1979.  I went back and made a list of the other day.  It hit me that every hurricane I have gone through in South Florida, Terry was always with me.  There was always our "hurricane talk".  

Sometimes, especially in the early years we were very afraid.  One time we were on vacation in Orlando, listening to R.C. Sproul tapes on "Holiness" when the hurricane threat appeared and Terry was worried about our apartment.  So we left and headed south.  

Tens of thousands of cars headed north fleeing the hurricane and we had an open highway with not one other car heading south.  We smiled at each other.  Maybe they know something we don't.  It was one of those "nothing" hurricanes but it always made us laugh thinking about it. 

It was like a hurricane dance.  How should we prepare?  Should we prepare?  What should we cancel?  Then the little hurricane vacations like snow days up north.   Quiet days together with little that could be done without power.

Nice days, talking days and relaxing days after the storm.  

Those days are gone.  

I miss those days.

I miss her.

Saturday, August 20, 2016

Yesterday was better

The sadness of missing my love and wife has now become a part of my bones and soul.  It is an emptiness always with me and sometimes crushing me.   The Lord is my strength. 

Experiences are old yet new.  I went to do a summit this weekend and stayed overnight in a hotel.  Before my marriage to Terry I rarely stayed in a hotel.  But as a married couple, we had stayed in hotels rooms hundreds of times.  

Those times had been romantic times, traveling times, family times, and business times.  Rarely, only a handful had I ever gone on a trip without my Terry.  

The room was a great room, the hotel a great hotel, and it was all paid for by those who asked me to speak.  But it was empty.  Empty of her smile, of her presence, and of our conversation.  Empty so very empty.  

Lord, help me adapt to this new reality without Terry.  I know you have things for me to do.  That is what keeps me going.  But the emptiness without her is hard to deal with.  I miss her.  Very simple.  

Terry was a great joy to my life and my true life companion.  Life is just not as fun without her.  

Lord, bring me your comfort.  Amen

Friday, July 15, 2016

A prayer of grief

2 Chronicles 6:29
whatever prayer, whatever plea is made by any man or by all your people Israel, each knowing his own affliction and his own sorrow and stretching out his hands toward this house,

Psalm 31:10
For my life is spent with sorrow, and my years with sighing; my strength fails because of my iniquity, and my bones waste away.

Psalm 119:28
My soul melts away for sorrow; strengthen me according to your word!

East of Eden is filled with sorrow. Lord, you know that our losses become so great and our sadness over what we have lost becomes more than we could imagine that we could bear. Good and loving Lord, you have told us we will have sorrow in this life. YOU have sorrow over all that is out of order in this world. Because you suffer from the brokenness and immorality of this world, you have told us that we will have sorrow here.
Without your strength Lord, I know I would be crushed. Things are wildly out of control. Losses accumulate and seem like waves crashing upon be, dragging me out from the shore and under the water. So many sorrows and struggles. So much lost.
I stretch out my hands towards YOU and remember me in your compassion and grace. Help me now to seek you today. Provide for me new hope. Help me now. Amen

Sunday, June 26, 2016

Napping alone

Sometimes it is just small things.  Things like afternoon naps.

For about 40 years Terry and I napped together.  Normally on a Sunday afternoon after church and ministry, we come home tired and just lay down together.

Sometimes on a Saturday

Sometimes on a day off

But we would just stop and lay down.  Sleeping together in the middle of the day.

Companions of life.

Sharing rest.

Sharing dreams.

Quiet times.

Normal times

I miss my naps with my friend.  Hard to nap alone.

Friday, May 27, 2016


No balloon
No card
No gift
No joy
No laughter
No hug
No T
No, no,no,no,no,no,no,
She would have been 63 today

Thursday, May 26, 2016

Emptiness fills my heart

Emptiness fills my heart
Will it ever stop
The sounds of silence
The whole world changed
Yet not changed
Nothing steady
Can’t get my bearings
No control
So much is tragic
So much is sad
So  much is lost
Emptiness fills my heart

Friday, May 13, 2016

Lord Help

(11) Be not far from me, for trouble is near;For there is none to help. ... (19) But You, O LORD, be not far off;O You, my help, hasten to my assistance. ... (24) For He has not despised nor abhorred the affliction of the afflicted;Nor has He hidden His face from him;But when he cried to Him for help, He heard. [Psa 22:11, 19, 24 NASB] (20) Our soul waits for the LORD;He is our help and our shield. [Psa 33:20 NASB]

Lord, I need you to help me now.  Since 2013, I have felt under siege.  At times more like not only a siege but a wild attack of struggle.  There has been illness, loss, betrayals, and dreams that have died.  My love has died.  So many losses and such a complex life.  I feel like I am drowning in complexity.  
Be not far from me.  Trouble is near me on every side.  Complex and with multiple layers .  There is none beside you to be of help.  Come quickly now and hold me up.  Do not despise my affliction.  Have empathy for my sorrow, fear, and pain.  Do not hide your face from me in my weakness.  Hear me now as I beg for your help.  

LORD, Messiah Jesus you are my help and shield.  I will wait to see YOU deliver me from this time of struggle.  Help me endure.  Help me give you praise for you are my helper, friend, and Savior.  You are my trust.  Amen