Friday, May 27, 2016


No balloon
No card
No gift
No joy
No laughter
No hug
No T
No, no,no,no,no,no,no,
She would have been 63 today

Thursday, May 26, 2016

Emptiness fills my heart

Emptiness fills my heart
Will it ever stop
The sounds of silence
The whole world changed
Yet not changed
Nothing steady
Can’t get my bearings
No control
So much is tragic
So much is sad
So  much is lost
Emptiness fills my heart

Friday, May 13, 2016

Lord Help

(11) Be not far from me, for trouble is near;For there is none to help. ... (19) But You, O LORD, be not far off;O You, my help, hasten to my assistance. ... (24) For He has not despised nor abhorred the affliction of the afflicted;Nor has He hidden His face from him;But when he cried to Him for help, He heard. [Psa 22:11, 19, 24 NASB] (20) Our soul waits for the LORD;He is our help and our shield. [Psa 33:20 NASB]

Lord, I need you to help me now.  Since 2013, I have felt under siege.  At times more like not only a siege but a wild attack of struggle.  There has been illness, loss, betrayals, and dreams that have died.  My love has died.  So many losses and such a complex life.  I feel like I am drowning in complexity.  
Be not far from me.  Trouble is near me on every side.  Complex and with multiple layers .  There is none beside you to be of help.  Come quickly now and hold me up.  Do not despise my affliction.  Have empathy for my sorrow, fear, and pain.  Do not hide your face from me in my weakness.  Hear me now as I beg for your help.  

LORD, Messiah Jesus you are my help and shield.  I will wait to see YOU deliver me from this time of struggle.  Help me endure.  Help me give you praise for you are my helper, friend, and Savior.  You are my trust.  Amen

Thursday, May 5, 2016

Simple insight

Came to a simple insight today.  Went to get lunch and decided to eat at Subway.  This was one of Terry's favorite places.  The one near the church was the one we had gone to for the last couple of years when she was not in the hospital.  At the hospital, I would go out to the local one and bring in her "Subway Melt" that she always had.  Except on the days when they ran a special since that saved money.  Most of the time I would just get her the "Subway Melt" anyway.  What was a couple of bucks really?  I would get the special so she could feel like we saved something.  Anyway, we would get the sandwiches and just talk.  That was lunch together most days.  Simple, sane, stable, and safe.

What was my insight?  Life was just a whole lot more fun with Terry.  I miss the fun we had.  Nothing like it.  Nothing to replace it.  Life was just a lot more fun before.

Like I said, nothing profound.  Just so very simple and basic.  No going back.  Those days are done.

Monday, May 2, 2016


Empty spaces
Empty sounds
Empty times

Did not recognize how full things were
Abused the times that had so much
Failed to focus on how precious they were
Now they are gone never to return in the way they were

Empty spaces
Empty sounds
Empty times

What to pray on hopeless days

Habakkuk 3:17-19

Habakkuk Rejoices in the Lord

17 Though the fig tree should not blossom,
nor fruit be on the vines,
the produce of the olive fail
and the fields yield no food,
the flock be cut off from the fold
and there be no herd in the stalls,
18 yet I will rejoice in the Lord;
I will take joy in the God of my salvation.
19 God, the Lord, is my strength;
he makes my feet like the deer's;
he makes me tread on my high places.

Lord, I wish that I was living in a time of abundant harvest, great fruitfulness, wild potentials, and free of problems.  But that is not what you have ordained at this moment.  I walk in the valley of the shadow of death.   So many things have been lost and there is great danger that more losses will be coming .   I am overwhelmed with the reality of life.

But YOU LORD, remain the same.  Your love for me is greater than the circumstances and the fears.  Your promise to work all things together for good remains.  YOUR blood covenant with me made with YOUR own blood is my assurance you are fully committed to me.   I can find pleasure and true happiness focused upon your goodness, greatness, and grace.  YOU LORD JESUS, are my salvation!  YOU give me strength for this day and call me to climb to the high places of your eternal purpose and plan for my life which is at a higher plane than my pain.

LORD, help me not lose sight of you in the middle of the struggle this day.  Lord have mercy, Messiah Jesus have mercy, Lord have mercy.  Amen